PRISONER OF WAR AT HOME The Vietnam veteran on his return home from Vietnam had an affect on his immediate family. It has long been thought that when a woman lives with a man who has become dysfunctional, she in turn becomes dysfunctional. Over a period of time the wife of a Vietnam veteran may experience some of the following experiences related to her relationship with her Veteran partner. (My own experience is that my wife suffered all these over many years and it was not her fault.) WIVES EXPERIENCE FEAR • Fear of what might happen the next time the Vet has another fit of rage, or has another flashback. • Fears the Vet will someday leave and abandon her and the family and never come back. • Fears of what might happen to the Vet when he is not home, but fears when he is home as well. • Fears of impending financial disaster because of the Vet's unstable work history and the mounting bills. • Fears sexual problems may be her own fault. • Fears of "middle of the night" surprises. • Fears, "If just one more little thing happens, I'll lose my mind." WIVES EXPERIENCE GUILT • Guilt for having married a Vet and guilt for having thoughts of leaving him. • Sorry for having put the children through the trauma. • Feeling that, "It's my fault. If I were a better wife, he would be different." • Guilt for spending money on themselves or having a hard time just having fun. • Need for intimacy may have led to extra-marital affair and resulting feelings of guilt. • Feels guilty for just about everything. WIVES EXPERIENCE DEPRESSION • Sense of helplessness and hopelessness. "Tired of trying." Sets self up for disappointment. • Low self-esteem, compulsive perfectionism, or the other extreme, poor appearance and a dirty home. WIVES EXPERIENCE REJECTION • Spouse feels that she cannot truly be intimate with the Vet and feels rejected by him. She sees the inability of the Vet to share his emotions with her as rejection of her. • Feels rejected by friends who no longer come around because of the way the Vet treats them. • Feels rejected by the community because of the lack of support or social interaction. Her cries for help have gone unattended. WIVES EXPERIENCE ISOLATION • Spouse, children, and family may have few friends or be unable to relate to friends as they would like to because Vet has alienated them with his attitude or actions in the past. • The few friends or family she does have are tired of hearing about her troubles with the Vet, and frequently tell her to get rid of him. • Wife may escape into a fantasy world or romantic fiction, TV, thoughts of affairs, compulsive buying etc. WIVES EXPERIENCE INSECURITY • May lean on children, friends, or others too heavily for emotional support. • Continual manipulation of the veteran and/or circumstances in order to be in control of a situation that is clearly out of control. • Constant tension and anxiety because she "never knows what he'll do next." • Financial insecurity leads to tremendous anxiety and insecurity. WIVES EXPERIENCE DENIAL • Denies that she or the children have problems, "After all, in spite of the circumstances, look how well I keep it together!" • Denies that spouse has a problem or totally blames Vet for all of her problems. • Denial that God or anyone else can help her husband or her family, "We have already tried everything and nothing has worked!" SO - WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? You may have heard (I did) that PTSD is incurable, all you can hope for is to manage it better. Well, perhaps we all must live with the consequences of our past choices and experiences, but it does not necessarily follow that we are doomed to an unbearable home environment because of those past experiences. Too many times we Vet's hear, "That was over thirty years ago, in the past, let it go - get a real life." There is no doubt that the traumatic experiences of war, because of their very nature, have serious impact upon the conscience and the psych, and that man will not be alleviated of the symptoms until the real issues are addressed. the time is always right to undo what we have done to our partners and children. VVCS has the counsellors and the programs to help you regain what Vietnam robbed you of - a balanced and happy life! This article was adapted from Reveille, Vol. 11, Issue 1 - Point Man International Ministries. go to top