D. J. Poulton 2020 | Ormeau | Queensland | Australia| Contact Dave
DAVO’S HOME PAGE FOR VIETNAM VETERANS
PRISONER OF WAR AT HOMETheVietnamveteranonhisreturnhomefromVietnamhadanaffectonhisimmediatefamily.Ithas longbeenthoughtthatwhenawomanliveswithamanwhohasbecomedysfunctional,sheinturn becomesdysfunctional.OveraperiodoftimethewifeofaVietnamveteranmayexperiencesomeof thefollowingexperiencesrelatedtoherrelationshipwithherVeteranpartner.(Myownexperienceis that my wife suffered all these over many years and it was not her fault.) WIVES EXPERIENCE FEAR • Fear of what might happen the next time the Vet has another fit of rage, or has another flashback. • Fears the Vet will someday leave and abandon her and the family and never come back. • Fears of what might happen to the Vet when he is not home, but fears when he is home as well. • FearsofimpendingfinancialdisasterbecauseoftheVet'sunstableworkhistoryandthemounting bills. • Fears sexual problems may be her own fault.• Fears of "middle of the night" surprises. • Fears, "If just one more little thing happens, I'll lose my mind." WIVES EXPERIENCE GUILT•Guilt for having married a Vet and guilt for having thoughts of leaving him. • Sorry for having put the children through the trauma. • Feeling that, "It's my fault. If I were a better wife, he would be different." • Guilt for spending money on themselves or having a hard time just having fun. • Need for intimacy may have led to extra-marital affair and resulting feelings of guilt. • Feels guilty for just about everything.WIVES EXPERIENCE DEPRESSION • Sense of helplessness and hopelessness. "Tired of trying." Sets self up for disappointment. • Low self-esteem, compulsive perfectionism, or the other extreme, poor appearance and a dirty home.WIVES EXPERIENCE REJECTION • SpousefeelsthatshecannottrulybeintimatewiththeVetandfeelsrejectedbyhim.Sheseesthe inability of the Vet to share his emotions with her as rejection of her. • Feels rejected by friends who no longer come around because of the way the Vet treats them. • Feelsrejectedbythecommunitybecauseofthelackofsupportorsocialinteraction.Hercriesfor help have gone unattended. WIVES EXPERIENCE ISOLATION• Spouse,children,andfamilymayhavefewfriendsorbeunabletorelatetofriendsastheywould like to because Vet has alienated them with his attitude or actions in the past. • ThefewfriendsorfamilyshedoeshavearetiredofhearingabouthertroubleswiththeVet,and frequently tell her to get rid of him. • Wifemayescapeintoafantasyworldorromanticfiction,TV,thoughtsofaffairs,compulsivebuying etc. WIVES EXPERIENCE INSECURITY• May lean on children, friends, or others too heavily for emotional support. • Continualmanipulationoftheveteranand/orcircumstancesinordertobeincontrolofasituation that is clearly out of control. • Constant tension and anxiety because she "never knows what he'll do next." • Financial insecurity leads to tremendous anxiety and insecurity. WIVES EXPERIENCE DENIAL• Deniesthatsheorthechildrenhaveproblems,"Afterall,inspiteofthecircumstances,lookhow well I keep it together!" • Denies that spouse has a problem or totally blames Vet for all of her problems. • DenialthatGodoranyoneelsecanhelpherhusbandorherfamily,"Wehavealreadytried everything and nothing has worked!" SO - WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Youmayhaveheard(Idid)thatPTSDisincurable,allyoucanhopeforistomanageitbetter.Well, perhapsweallmustlivewiththeconsequencesofourpastchoicesandexperiences,butitdoesnot necessarilyfollowthatwearedoomedtoanunbearablehomeenvironmentbecauseofthosepast experiences. ToomanytimesweVet'shear,"Thatwasoverthirtyyearsago,inthepast,letitgo-geta real life." Thereisnodoubtthatthetraumaticexperiencesofwar,becauseoftheirverynature,haveserious impactupontheconscienceandthepsych,andthatmanwillnotbealleviatedofthesymptomsuntil the real issues are addressed. thetimeisalwaysrighttoundowhatwehavedonetoourpartnersandchildren.VVCShasthe counsellorsandtheprogramstohelpyouregainwhatVietnamrobbedyouof-abalancedandhappy life! This article was adapted from Reveille, Vol. 11, Issue 1 - Point Man International Ministries.go to top